One Journey, Many Paths

"What is motherhood but the very best chance to learn what you are made of? It will strip you down to nothing. Make you doubt yourself a thousand times. And it will make you roar with a fierceness you’ve never before seen. It will search your heart for your greatest fears and the bravest of all your intentions and set them out on display.
It breaks you. It saves you. It steals the girl you were. All of her. You’ll never sleep like her or be as carefree as she once was, but she’d never believe the courage or the selflessness she’ll one day possess in you. Motherhood replaces her with someone who understands love on a level the girl you were never could.
It’s okay to sometimes wish you could go back and live a day in her shoes. A day to bask in the decadence of irresponsibility. But if she could look forward: If she could see herself tested, how her fears have been faced, how the question “Am I strong enough to survive this?” is answered with a resounding yes, time after time. She’d feel damn proud to become the woman that awaits her."~Melissa Jordan from Babble.com

I think this morning was the perfect time to read the above blog post from a blog on www.babble.com. I have been feeling the loss of freedom as I knew it prebaby a lot more lately. The reason for that is because of my decision for grad school. If I were able to move anywhere with no additional responsibility but to myself, I would really love to pick up and move somewhere outside of Orange County. I would either be living in Pasadena, a city that I love, or checking out grad schools in Seattle or maybe even Wisconsin. I have dear friends who are from Wisconsin and they have a much cheaper social work program. I don't have the freedom or option of going anywhere now. I have to stay here. I have to decide what is best for Caleb and I as far as if I should continue to work full time or go much deeper into debt for pursuing a field of great interest to me. I think my very limited options make me feel constricted. A lot of people are free and don't do much with their freedom, but I yearn to fly away somewhere new. I didn't want to come back to Orange County, not for awhile at least.
I knew I would lose freedom as I knew it when I became a mom. You can't really do trips or even just get up and go see a movie anymore. Everything depends on your child and their care. And that's okay. I accepted that long before Caleb was born. I would never change the present. I am blessed beyond measure to be Caleb's mom. I have always felt that this world needed him in it. It would be a darker, bleaker place without his joy and love filling another space in this world.
I just think that right now, during this time of possible transitions into school mode again, I am feeling the loss of freedom. And maybe that is okay to feel that way right now.
The above quote is very true. Everything changes when you become a mom. Your whole world as you knew it ends. Your life is about a little 8 pound 12 ounce child who you will see grow as they learn to sit up, roll over, eat solid foods, develop sleep schedules, etc. etc. ETCCC. All of a sudden the most important thing to you is that child's poop and if they pooped and if there are changes in color and all that stuff. Spit up and poop become your mothers perfume. Heck, you'll be at a store and not even know you have poop smeared all over your hand and arm. That happened to me at least....yea. I was in Trader Joe's and thought I smelled something but I did not know it was Caleb's explosive poop rubbed all over my arm and hands. I was holding him and it had leaked out all over. But I didn't notice. Nope. Not until I got into the car and smelled it even more when I was driving. See, even situations like that don't gross me out like they might have prebaby.
I always get off tangent and randomly tell stories and then I never get back to my original point. As I was saying, life changes in ways you can't even anticipate. I mean, you can as much as possible but living it is a whole other story! Its a beautiful whole other story though...explosive poop and all. Its all apart of the journey and it is a beautiful yet tiring road to walk. So I may have these feelings of freedoms loss sometimes, but that's okay. Its apart of this uncharted road that I am on. I feel very blessed despite these feelings that are cropping up. Still, I do hate this anxious feeling of not knowing what to do or what is best as far as future plans go. I wish I could just shake them off.
 Having a toddler isn't easy. I think in some ways, having a younger baby is easier. At least they don't say no to you and throw their fork across the room. Yea, I am trying to nip that behavior in the bud. The fork throwing started and hopefully ended yesterday. :)
Love that face. And hat.
-St.Patrick's Day, 2012-

Caleb is 50% Irish, 25% Taiwanese, & 25% Italian. In the future, I want to find a way to honor each of those cultures he is from.