Sometimes, adjustment hurts.

NOTE: Okaayyyyy.... SO I wrote the below on July 14, 2012. At this point, the grieving stage has ended. While this is an outdated post, I thought I would post it anyway since it was a definite phase I had. 

The past few months have introduced a grief I haven't had this whole time I have been the mother of Caleb. I have felt a loss that I never felt before. I knew how everything would change when he came, but I also knew how different it is to live it month to month, year to year. And I was totally fine with the loss of freedom and dramatic change of life I had up until a few months ago.  Right when plans for my life came up, grad school applications and options arose. Right when I couldn't leave no matter how much I wanted to happened. Not leave Caleb, just this town/county. Heck, this state. Right up until I had to finally chose to say no to USC, something I had deeply wanted to do. This wanderlust I had turned into frustration, grief, feeling trapped. Being frustrated that I couldn't just leave. Fly to a new state, attend a cheaper school, live in a one room place and explore new places while meeting new people. I felt guilty for feeling this way. How is it cool that I feel this way when my reason for not doing what I want to do is because I have a child? A child who is wonderful and a total blessing and joy in this world and in my life. Everything I do is for him. I stay for him. I live where I do for him. It just works for us at this time for varying reasons. Do I know what the next years of our lives will bring? Not at all. But right now, this is where we are, and it is so good for Caleb. I think it is more than safe to say that Caleb is a happy, thriving boy. And I could never ask for anything greater than that.

When he was an infant, people would ask me, "Isn't it so hard having a newborn?" I always thought that was interesting because I never felt like it was. Sure, there were moments. Life always has moments and babies are especially packed full of those. But it didn't seem hard to me. Because it is just what I did. I think now, the hardest part for me has been letting go of what I had wanted to do for me at this time. I can't pick up and move. I can't go into a deeper financial hole for a grad program that doesn't even offer the credential I want along with the MSW. I need to stay and do this for Caleb. I need to look for some other alternate options.

Besides these feelings I have had to deal with in the past few months, I have never stopped feeling lucky. God blessed me with just the right little boy. I thought I wanted a girl, but gosh am I  grateful that I got Caleb. I am blessed beyond words for his precious life.