Love & Freedom

"There's someone else", I heard God whisper. "There is someone else." I knew Spencer was not for me. It was just a hard situation. We have always loved each other, even if it has changed. It is not a bad thing, just a hard thing. I knew it wasn't God's plan for us to be together. There was a time I could not imagine there being someone else. But time changes things in big and little ways. Time gives new perspectives and new hearts. Time tears down and time heals. I think most of my life, I have been torn down. But there were small windows of time that God shinned through the sadness and the anger and the chaos that was my childhood and adolescence. I never doubted his presence. I knew he was there. Even in the tears and darkness. Even in the fights and the raging of my house. God was in those quiet places of my soul. And I clung to that. I have always said that he has preserved me. And I think I still believe that. I am not without scars from this life. But as I have always said, there is always hope. Why? Because there is God. There is his love and his life in the darkest of places where I cannot see. I always feel heaviness from the evil there is in this world. From the violence and the hate. From the injustice. It infuriates me. I have called this world the Devil's playground and meant it. And you know, it really feels that way a lot. I guess I need to remember that there is a light greater than all the darkness of this world. There is the everlasting God.

He took me out of my house with my family when I was 17. And with time, I finished school, had a serious relationship, and had a son. Whether or not I saw God, he was there. He still is. I felt like 2013 might be different. I also felt like it wouldn't change at all. But you see, it has so much already. This, and now what I am saying now. For the first time in a decade, a specific change has happened with this relationship with Spencer. While we haven't been together for awhile, today a new part of moving on has been set forth in motion. Despite my knowledge that we were not right for each other, I feel this old ache come back. This ache in my heart and in my gut. Mourning. But this time, it is different. It makes sense, despite its difficulty. I guess when you know each other for a decade, this is bound to happen. This pain. It's just strange because I knew already we weren't for each other. I knew he wasn't my match. I think it is just different when something happens to cement this knowledge into a greater reality. My heart hurts. My love remains. Not a soul mate love. No, with him that left long ago, in a heartbreak far greater than this.

When I first heard this news today, I was shaking. I skyped with Kaitlin, and out of nowhere, Anna called to Facetime. She is such a busy girl, we hardly talk on the phone and have never Facetimed. But she called at that very moment and I had a small pow wow with my girls. The first thing I thought during all this, was what I learned today is just apart of God's greater plan. I have been single but I haven't felt like I could move on. I didn't know how or what that would look like. I am still not sure how this will look, but this change makes a difference. And I can't help but feel like this is God.

Many years ago when I lived with Heather on Palmyra, I was going through a dark period of time having to do with my mom and something she had told me. Heather's mom was visiting (I love her mom), and I am not even sure if she knew what was going on. But she said to me something like, "For some reason, I need to tell you this. God will restore you. He will." God will restore you. I have never forgotten that, even though I sadly forgot the rest of what she said. I wish I didn't. [Kathie if you are reading this and remember, let me know :)] Around the same time, someone else had said the same thing. I felt like it was God speaking to me this message. God will restore you. I have never forgotten these words. I have also been skeptical and distant from them. What is it like for God to restore you? What does it take? What do you have to feel again for that to happen? Because I don't feel a lot. My friends don't agree. They know me to be passionate. But inside, I don't have the kind of emotional range other people have. There is a deadness there that is rooted from my childhood. From trauma that happened when I was even in the womb. So yes I have always wanted this "restoration". But I have been scared. What must that be like? Will I have to be vulnerable? Will I have to stop protecting myself so much? (Yes, and yes). This isn't something someone like me does well. Unbuild the walls that protected me. Sheltered me. Kept me sane. I didn't want to. I didn't know how. I never felt that I was free because of this.

Then this year, I have heard something else. God saying to me, "Walk in my freedom. Accept it. It is already yours. I already set you free. Walk in my freedom." Again, I don't know how to do that really. But I have heard this a few times at church. Sitting there listening to messages I didn't feel like worked for me since I couldn't hit "rock bottom" like other people. I have protected myself too well. I survived all kinds of shit. I just keep going.

I don't know what happens now.

As a side note, when I talk about moving on, I'm not talking about dating. Not at all. I mean moving on in life and as a person. I have never been one to care about having a boyfriend or dating. I haven't really dated besides being with Spencer during the time I was. I have no desire to date now. Do I want to find a partner in life? Yes. In the right time. But it is not a concern to me. I have this assurance that God will bring a person around in his timing. That sounds kind of like a bold thing to say, and I have no idea if it will happen. I can't imagine it. Either way, by moving on, I mean in life.
And maybe, I will learn what it looks like to fly in His freedom. Maybe.