The heart is a funny thing. So dynamic with so much change. Within the last few days, I have gone from varying levels of pain, anxiety, anger, and feelings of depression. Every moment is different, and every day is different. So far, every day is a little better. I have gone through each stage of grief, visiting some more than others.
Spencer and I haven't been together in a couple years, but our lives and emotions have been intertwined. We had a baby, and so without knowing how to truly be separated, we did life as we could for him, and for us. I knew I needed to move on. I knew I wanted to. I didn't know how. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how.
After this news that I got last week from him, it felt like my heart was ripped out (again). I won't say what this news is here, because I want to try and respect his privacy in this way. But the toll it took on me was drastic. I lost weight. I didn't eat. I cried when I hardly ever cry at all, I was in deep pain. This is the one love I have had in my life. I knew our lives and emotions were not severed. This experience is doing just that. It has cut through my heart. I didn't realize my heart was like this. I didn't know that I had to do this. And as I said, I didn't know how.
Certainly this could have been done in a far better and different way, but as a result of the dysfunction that kept us apart, it was done in the way it was. And it is good, I know. Because God has a plan greater than this. I have to believe that. And it was my choice not to be with Spencer. It was the right choice, but he has been apart of my heart for 9 years. I didn't recognize how he was still there, until he wasn't anymore. It is just so final. And the way it happened was even worse.
So I guess this is me finally moving on in my heart and life. Finally having this divide I thought I wanted so much. I wanted it because I needed it. I wanted it because I knew I needed to feel like I was valued again. I needed to feel like my passions and thoughts were supported and appreciated. I just didn't know that letting it go in my heart was so heartbreaking.
Apart from this pain, I must recognize what I believe to be as God playing a part in all this. How long have I prayed for this release? How long have I prayed to go forward? I felt perpetually stuck. Those who know me well know that I am a very strong person in some ways, but with this, I am weak. And guess what? Last Thursday, I was broken free from this. Yes, this catapulted me into each stage of grief multiple times, but I hadn't done that process yet. I hadn't let go. God knew I needed to do this. And he knew this is one of the only ways it would happen. I have tried very hard to remember this, to rely on him, to remember that this is good. That it is something I had wanted and needed. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I think this is apart of God working things together for my good. Even though it has hurt like hell. This is what real change looks like.
I was telling my friend last night, rather angrily, how I am tired of the pain in my life. I have always just looked ahead, knowing there is more. Knowing that I just have to keep going. I am angry and tired of the struggle. Tired life couldn't be more gracious to me. Tired that it hasn't been easier. I am tired of pain or not feeling or not feeling like I can ever just thrive. I am tired of being a survival expert. I just want to live.
Regardless of all of this pain, I still don't think I would trade my life for someone else's. Do I wish things were different? That maybe so much of the chaos I lived through didn't happen? Yes. But I also value the person I am today, even though I am really awkward and can embarrass myself regularly.
I will thank God for his hand on my life. I will thank God for his provision. And again, I want to thank God for the network of friends who have stood beside me time and time again, from close and afar. I recognize these blessings. And despite the hardship in this current experience, I want to recognize God's hand in it all, moving life forward on my behalf. Because in this regard, I have been weak.
As I said, every moment and day is different. Some moments are filled with anxiety (prayer for that would be nice), others, I am okay. But no matter what, I recognize that this is good. I pray that God heal my heart. I pray that I can let it go. I'm working on it. And in this moment, I am doing better. Partially thanks to God's faithfulness and to the amazing prayers, support, check in's, and love my friends and small family has provided. Very cool. :)