I heard a rustling coming from Caleb's room. Then, a soft thud. Caleb had rolled himself out of bed right onto the ground, blanket and all. He just laid there flattened out, sleeping as soundly as ever. I don't think he stirred at all.
I picked him up and put him in his bed and looked at his peaceful sleeping face. I was tired too, so I laid in his bed with him, holding his resting hand. I felt this sense of marvel and peace. Throughout the day, I had different emotions going on. The morning started out with stress, as we were late to his 3 year old check up. Then just as we were ready to leave, this child goes into the refrigerator and came out with my left over PF Changs. In a nano second, he dumps it onto the carpet floor and all the chicken and thick juices came out and coated my carpet and his body. I was not happy. I was stressed out and super irritated. Meanwhile Caleb had a little whimper on his face because he had thick juice all over him. And maybe because I was mad.
Later on, we got home after work and school, and my dinner plans failed due to a lack of tomato paste. So I whipped up some turkey bolognese sauce with pasta. I attempted to sneak some spinach in the sauce, and let him have it with whole wheat bread. Sounds good, right? I think so. Not him. It took forever for him to eat. He was not a willing participant. He wanted to walk to the lake, and I thought that sounded wonderful. But he had to eat first. By the time he was done, it was nearly bath time. So then there was freaking out about not going on a walk, and I ended up letting him waste away and watch some Chip & Dale clips instead. I felt like it would save time since we had no time for a walk. Ugh.
He went to bed, and I was feeling depressed because I really did just want to get out and go for a walk. Not being outside gets to me. I am in the office all day, and then I go home and deal with him, and just want to walk outside and enjoy some of the beautiful day. I get a little stir crazy, and I love walking outside. When I can't leave, no matter how much I want to, it just gets to me sometimes. I get frustrated and feel locked up because I can't just go for a 40 minute walk.
Then later, he fell out of his bed. And I picked up his limp, sleeping body. So at peace. Resting. And I realized again, that this is why I do it. This is why I gave it all up. For him. Despite these moments and times where I feel stir crazy, or sad that I can't just go, or stressed or frustrated that the cleaning and pick up never ends. Sometimes, I just have to reconnect with the "why" of it all. Never in my life did I think I would be a mom, or a single mom at that. I thought maybe, one day, after possibly getting married one day, we would maybe in many years consider having a kid. Maybe. But no, that's not what happened. And it was my choice to change this life of mine so drastically by keeping him. There is no going back from that. Once there is a babe that is yours in the world, your life is changed whether you choose to raise them or not. I mean, I was very pressured by some people to adopt him out. While this is an option I support wholeheartedly for others, I knew it was not an option for us. I could not exist in a world without knowing him as my own. And more than that, I knew that it was not what God wanted for us.
While I read Caleb his bed time stories, I silently prayed for God to give me an attitude adjustment. I was just in a funk and throwing a pity party for myself for not being able to get outside. I felt lighter right after I prayed as my cloud lifted a little. Then later, I was able to reconnect with why I do it and why I ever did it in the first place. And I was again reminded, of the many, precious ways, I am blessed. I count myself lucky to witness the beauty of his life. And to see the vast emotions that come out of his little body. I really don't know what will become of us. But God's got this. He always has. And we can be eternally grateful for that.