While not ideal, our life is right. xoxo

Caleb has had a more difficult time lately when getting to sleep. He says he misses his dad sometimes when he is laying in his bed. It's hard not to feel sad when he says this, because Spencer is in LA now full time. He recently moved. Usually when Caleb gets out of bed a lot and is resistant to going to bed, I put him back a few times, then tell him that I will have to shut his door if he gets out of bed one more time. More often than not, that does the trick. But if he is having an emotionally difficult time, I don't want to treat the issue in the same way. Last night I just went into his room a few times, and he was so tired that he was even more cranky and emotional. He did pass out, thank God.

Depending on how tired he is, makes it harder and worse for him. I didn't realize he was too tired until it was too late though. :/ Caleb will say things to me like he misses daddy, he wants to be at daddy's house, he wants daddy to pick him up from school, and sometimes he has also said to be that he is daddy's boy, not my boy. Sometimes hearing about him missing his dad makes me sad. I am aware that I chose this division by not going back to him. I feel bad that my son has nights of no daddy. I feel sad that this situation causes this loss in his life, to where as of now, there is division in his nuclear family.

However, I would chose to do nothing differently. I know now just as much, if not more than before, that our separation is healthy and good. And choosing to be in a relationship or live with someone because you share a child, is something that will not breed a healthy living environment if you and your partner are not loving or well suited for one another. So while I am sad about my boy feeling these things sometimes, I am mindful of how this is the best thing for all of us. I know our life is not ideal, but it is right. It is hard, but this child of mine has more love than I can say pouring out from his grandparents, daddy, mommy, aunts, uncles, and friends. He is smart, articulate, funny, imaginative, strong willed, and thriving. I have no doubt that this is because of the love he got from his mommy and from everyone else.

You know, I think back on the beginnings of Caleb. I wont write detail about that here right now, but I had this incredible network of friends and some family crop up and surround us. Visitors poured into our hospital room. Friends took me to dinner, gave me gift cards, flowers, emails, calls. All to show love and support for this baby to come. How blessed am I? Very.

Photo taken by our friend Tommy Coppers, another supporter early on who came to the hosptial to welcome Caleb.  Here is Caleb, probably one day old. 
Baby Caleb, not even a month old. 
These photos and more were taken by my lovely and kindhearted friend Haylee Sakimoto as a gift to us. Here, he is 6 months old. By then, he could stand and sit up on his own with great ease. by 9 months old, he took his first steps and walked.


Caleb, age 3 and thriving.

A boy and his mom.
And all the love in the world.