Negative Scripts

I used to think I had to journal every day and that I failed if I missed a day. Kind of like some people with their gym habits. Sadly I have no gym habits, but that's another story. I started journaling when I was in fourth grade. Faithfully every day, I wrote something between a few sentences to several pages about my day, thoughts, feelings, whatever. I even rated my day from 1-10, and felt this compulsion to save random relics taped into the pages of my early day journals. I can give no explanation for why I would ever desire to save some of the crap I did haha. I wrote about boys. I wrote about hopes. I wrote about pain. I wrote about numbness.

As I grew older, I became more numb. Words while being my life long ally, were also thrown at me in anger. I brushed them off because I knew the truth lived not in the misplaced anger demonstrated by the bearers of these words, but in who God said I am.

I think it is interesting to know this truth on this level, to understand that words like loser do not define me. I stood up, brushed those words off, and moved forward. Always, always moving forward. Why then, is it hard for people to believe the truth in themselves that others see in them? I watch my friends and I see their uncompromisable beauty-inside and out. I see their virtue, wisdom, and their heart for others and the world. I sometimes sit back in awe at how intricate, complicated, and deeply beautiful these people are. I guess that's why it's good to surround ourselves with good people. We can build each other up in love. Still, I know that each of us don't see these sort of things in ourselves as much. I know I don't, that's for sure.

I wrote about the source of validation and joy. But I'll tell you what, this language of "not good enough" is still there. I still feel this within me. Not good enough for what I want. Not good enough for what I hope for. Not good enough. Part of me thinks back on the first 17 years of my life before I moved out of my families home and wonders if these words from then, are just echoing in the now. I doubt it because I never believed those words then. I don't believe them now. But I do have these scripts and these "if statements". I think many people do. I am just inclined to look at it, think about it, notice it. It doesn't disrupt my life in any way. I just notice this belief that I still have.

People often tell me that I am a good mom. It is very kind, and I appreciate these life building words very much. But I always think, "You don't see me. Distracted. Wishing I was present always. You don't see me being not-good-enough."

I was taking a Spiritual Parenting class (it's actually a lot cooler than it sounds guys, seriously. Really good). One of the classes was on the words we heard in our childhood. Was there a time or experience or word, that was a defining moment for us? And how can we use words to build up in the lives of our children? What words can we use to pour out love, grace, wise discipline, etc. over them? I thought about this in my life. What is my word? The next morning after the class, I thought about this as I showered, praying even. And then it came to me.

BelovedLoved with an everlasting love. 

God spoke and called me beloved. And actually, I just realized that is the meaning of my middle name.

No matter what in this life, I am struck constantly at this unconditional love of Christ. It's unfair to him that I can be such a shit. He is always, always there. And he loves, always. Each and every one of us.

And I am well aware, that only God can take these negative beliefs and scripts, and wash them away. We just have to trust.