How great is it to be loved by God. Being human is rippled with all sorts of ailments. We are not always naturally prone to a grace-filled existence. I know lately, I have felt a lack of grace towards myself and others. I have felt a lack of grace towards my son. It is perfectly okay to feel testy and be frustrated. Thing thing is, I haven't felt completely myself in all this. I have felt a lack of centeredness. One of the benefits I have of being a Jesus lover, is that his peace transcends. His joy overcomes. And these are qualities I can walk in throughout my daily life. I think elements of this have certainly been present, but less than usual for me. Still, these two statements never fail to ring true: I am grateful for my God who saves and redeems. I am grateful for the freedom obtained through knowing and loving Christ.
On the note of gratitude, I am grateful for moments like this morning with my son, where I told him how I was a lucky mom, and he replied that he was a lucky boy. As annoyed or testy as I can feel sometimes, it doesn't take away from the way we have each other as a little family.
I am also grateful for my friends and the myriad of extended families I am apart of. Today I was texting my old boss Mitch, and he was telling me about his gorgeous great baby nephew born today. We joked and laughed about other things, and he reminded me that I was family, so of course I had to be kept in the loop of this new arrival. So often, I am met with this great kindness, and I am filled with gratitude.
I have close friends who treat me as part of their family and one of their own, and it strikes my heart with gratitude. I think despite this, I really want to feel like I belong to my own family one day. And I do. But I need a good, honest, true man to partner with me in this. Someone whom I can trust and who can love my heart and character more than what I might look like. Attraction is good and necessary, but the heart must be valued more.
Sometimes when thinking about this, I feel God asking me, "Do you trust me?" And I do.
A few months ago I made a list to God of things I needed and wanted, like a new job. He provided me a job in an industry I knew nothing about. Now in a matter of weeks, I am in international trade doing import forwarding. And already I can see why this is the kind of place I was supposed to be at. While my office is small (our main offices are based in the East Coast, our LA branch is newer), I am still surrounded by a team that I love. We get along so well in the midst of stress and chaos. We offer each other support and stand by each other during different episodes. I can confide in these people on business and personal matters. I can trust them. While our team may not always consist of these same people, I am blessed to have them now. I also feel like the management of our team, though located in New York, really values what we do and any input we might have. They seek to maximize any gifts people show and are available for feedback or learning. I had a hard day of work yesterday and left feeling bent and frazzled. The day left such a grimy film on me, that I called my manager in New York (past 7pm her time) and we talked during my commute home to Orange County. While it was so needed, what was neat was that we discussed our commonality with faith, as well as in other ways. It was cool to see some similarity. I feel all the more blessed to not only have someone like that who is a leader at work, but who also understands and shares my faith.
God knows where he has us and why. I have known this. Sometimes, it's just good to be reminded of. I am not sure what he will do with the whole dating scene for me. I haven't actually dated anyone in years. I briefly saw a guy last year but knew he was not the right person for me. And this year I had an interest a few months ago. I liked that he was so mindful of God and an extremely smart thinker and communicator-which went nowhere. More recently, I have liked someone who is hilarious, smart, good natured, stable, and kind. Whatever the case, I am interested in what is right and true. I am interested in what God has for me. Liking someone, even for good reasons, doesn't mean they are really your match. Sometimes it takes time to determine that. You have to listen to yourself and wait on God. One thing for sure, I do not approach dating casually. I am very mindful about it because my intention is to find the right man to potentially not only be my partner, but a man worth being a role model to my son. A man who loves God and who extends kindness towards others.
I trust God in all things. He is bigger than what I think or feel, and ultimately he knows what I need and why. He also has his timing, which can be hard to abide by. Still, this same God who is the living Christ, Immanuel, asks, "Do you trust me?" And I must say, yes. I do.