The Mday

My child made me a mom. This is what I keep thinking during this Mother's Day weekend. Being a mom was never something I aspired for or planned. I was certain that I didn't even like children. I always thought about kids as an afterthought. The only thing I was sure of in my loose life plan was school. School with no end in sight. I was happy with that plan. I figured I would just go to school until I got all of the degrees I wanted, and then I would pursue my field of interest. My child made me the mother I never cared to be until I was. Until I knew he was there before any test proved it. A wee zygote. It was then I clicked gears into mom mode. Protecting a child not yet fully formed. Protecting a zygote, then fetus, then baby, now "big boy". 

My pregnancy with Caleb was filled with all sorts of anxieties. No matter what happened, I fought for him. I took care of him as best as I could, and I fought for him. Every year of my child's birthday, it feels like a motherhood anniversary. I sometimes can hardly believe I have a son who is now four. I can't even think of his age next year without freaking out a tiny bit. No matter the circumstances of our lives then, now, or in the future, two things are certain. I will always fight for him, and he made me a mother. 

This mother's day, I feel different. I don't know why. I don't feel like a celebration or whatever else takes place on these kinds of days. I feel reflective of this name Mom I have been given. Somehow God saw fit for this child in all of his charm and brilliance, to call me Mama. In the last four years of this motherhood life I live, I have developed traditions and relationships and memories, along with an overrun child inspired Pinterest with every holiday and idea needed to infuse his life with color and light. While life isn't easy or uncomplicated and doesn't come in a neat, easily explained package, by God's love and grace, we are here. We are resilient. We are strong. We are learning to be steadfast. And by god, we love.

Saturday, May 10, 2014. He asked me to take his picture and gave me this face to work with. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014. He asked me to take his picture and gave me this face to work with. 

This is a picture Caleb took of me on the same day. 

This is a picture Caleb took of me on the same day. 

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This is life.

This is life.

Thanks for the whole motherhood thing, son.  I love you always.