We have a responsibility to do what is best for ourselves and for our children. I have been grappling with a choice for a number of months that has weighed on me heavily. From this decision, I have grown weary, frustrated, and even at my wits end with God. On the flip-side, I have also trusted God in the midst of this upheaval. It has not been easy. I have needed to remind myself over and over again of this trust and belief I do have. I come back to God, and he is my home base. Even when I don't know what will happen in the months to come. Even when everything is up in the air. Even when my heart has been in the midst of this great battle. I trust and I wait, and let time pass. Sometimes, that is the only thing you can do. And that is the only thing I have been able to do.
I have daily struggled with an enormous choice as to wether or not to move to Seattle. My son's father got an incredible opportunity to work for a company based in Seattle, WA and asked that I consider moving there so that he could be near his son. My son's father and I are not together, and I do not desire for that ever to change. However, I did heavily consider this move for months. I love that area and was excited about the chance of actually living there. It is something I had wanted to do since before Caleb was born. Whatever I decided, I wanted to do what was best for my son and I. This was not an easy decision to make. I struggled with it deeply. I did not know what to do and did not know what the right answer for us was.
I thought we would go. I even wrote a couple of blog drafts about it, one even being a list of places I would miss in Southern California (with In N Out being a clear stand out on the list). There were a growing number of red flags related to this decision that I wasn't sure what to do with. I am a strong and independent woman. I figured I could just handle it all. And sure, I can, but it would be at a detriment to living a healthy and balanced life. After much prayer and searching, it became abundantly clear to me that going to Seattle under these circumstances was unwise, unhealthy, and unsafe. I was pained by this reality because I knew it meant that we would stay, which meant a potential separation between my son and his father. I love them both. I love them both together. It broke my heart to face this. However, after months of being unsure, months of going back and forth with this decision, I was and am certain that my choice in staying is right. His father has now chosen to stay in Orange County in lieu of this job opportunity to be near his son.
I don't know what the future holds for any of us. But I know that I have and will continue to trust in my God throughout all of it. I pray frequently that he will lead us and that he continues his work as the ultimate freedom fighter that he is. We are armed with an incredible army of support, and I could not be more grateful. While I feel like I stand in this alone as a single mama looking out for whatever God's best is, I am never alone in that I have my God and my people. I thank you each for your prayers, for your words of wisdom, for your unrelenting support. It touches me to my soul. We are not alone.
My son is a very blessed child who has an entire family (mine and his father's, both whom we love) and a sea of people who love and support him no matter what. Life holds no answers for us right now, but God does. I just need to see how it all unfolds and works out.
No matter what, he is bigger.