Today was a hard day.
I lost my resolve and fought like cats and dogs with my son's father. I usually try. Today I failed. I was snarky and angry and upset and stressed and distressed and all kinds of things. It was rough. I usually try to maintain a sense of inner peace when dealing with him. Sometimes I am not so good at this. Sometimes I fail terribly. Sometimes, even if I am trying, I falter. It is so dang hard, this coparenting thing. Especially in the ick of not working well together because of anger, misunderstanding, blame, loss, and caring. I care still. I always will. But I get angry and feel like I can't fix it. I don't know how to fix it, so I put my hands up and walk away. I relinquish. Today I didn't. Today I fought, bad. It is what it is. It was a moment, a rough morning, harsh texts, all in this unwinding stress.
*Usually*, I try to center myself in love and act out of that. I try, I say. I do. I breathe Jesus in and let him be my center. Today I didn't do that.
I don't know where we will be in the next few months. I haven't actually known where we will end up all year. But now I know, we will be here, in sunny So Cal, and not the glorious, gloomy, beautiful Northwest. I made two choices leading us here to this place. First, to not ever go back. Second, to stay. And so we fight. And sometimes, care.
I'm not good at this life thing. I recognize my failure today. I just acknowledge it for what it is. But see, I have been here before. I have been at the doorsteps of change, of distress, of not knowing. I have been in far desperate times before. But God. God always provides. He does. And even though I have not known what the hell we are going to do all year, even though I have searched for jobs and now housing and next steps, leading me to today with feeling distressed, God knows. I best breathe that reality in.
I stopped looking for a job in January here because I thought we might be leaving and was grappling with that decision. Now I am back in the thick of the search. It is well needed, I will tell you that much. In fact right after this, I need to get back to my applying, as I have a few positions that are good bets for me that I need to jump on.
I came across a journal I wrote when Caleb was a baby. I had forgotten how it was then. I had forgotten not knowing what to do. I had forgotten what I clearly asked God for, and how he so clearly answered. I wrote a list in that journal of what I needed. You know, basic life stuff which at the time included a job, a place to live, a place for Caleb to go to school. God answered. He leads me to the brink, then he provides. I have stories, I assure you of that.
My list looks different now, with some clear similarities. But God. That "but God" part is pretty important.
never leaves us
gives us what we need when we need it
knows our story
is the everlasting hope
sets us free.
I am trying to live this.
Tonight my son was out of sorts. First I thought it was hunger, then I saw that it was straight up exhaustion. I asked if he napped today, and he hadn't. Bingo. There is no reasoning with a fatigued babe. There's only bed. During those evening twilight hours cushioned between a loss of reason brought on by preschool tired angst, and the life saving attributes only bed can bring, there was fussing, crying, hand to food mashing, and even a taquito thrown at my face. After a stern word with him and a joint clean up effort (also known as me forcing him to "help" vacuum his dinner mess in the aftermath of all this), I eventually got the pissy, weepy boy bathed and off to bed. I sang the song he requested, and he went to sleep willingly, peacefully, ready for rejuvenation and to wake up bright and early in the 6am hour tomorrow morning. Thankfully, I was never irked by his extreme moodiness. I dealt with him in love during his fits and pits. I was patient and understanding, even if I was not his favorite person. I am so glad for this, as I cannot report that as always being the case. Besides, I had a rough morning. I was in the pits, man. It wasn't productive or good. I guess we both had our fits today. Just as his mommy is here for him, even in the aftermath of taquito throwing fits, my God is here for me. For us.
It seems I say this a lot lately, but I don't know what will happen. But God does.
And with that, I am off to apply, again, to yet another job.
Peace & love, and also, prayers.