I am not a crier. I am not big on emotion or dramatic displays. I want to be that person people go to in order to vent, cry, hug, whatever, and often times, I am. So I don't want it to seem like these sort of things are a negative, they aren't. But because of certain elements in my upbringing, I was numb for a long time. And now? Now I find that my own displays of emotion, no matter how okay and normal they are, as somewhat unusual for me.
Today I cried because I didn't feel like I could afford fruit for a friend's party. I don't have extra right now. I don't know where we are going to live, or what we are going to do. And actually, I haven't really known this all year, but I have trusted. Right now, I need to remind myself that I trust a God who is bigger. Because he is bigger, I made choices (albeit positive) that lead me to this place of crying over fruit. Or crying with a friend on the phone, just to see how I was doing. Or crying in the car listening to a song reminding me that God is here. That was all just today. So maybe we can blame the day... ;)
I was feeling this loss of strength. I was feeling a weakening in my resolve and questioning in general. Then I read my daily study through She Reads Truth. Today's study is entitled "A firm foundation". In the best of moments in need of this reminding, I read this post. This is part of the verse the post was based on:
My study today helped do some of the work of re-grounding me when in moment of feeling uprooted. The not knowing was getting to me, just for a time.
In just the right time, I was reminded that this is what it looks like to have a rock in the midst of uncertainty. Because through out it all, here stands God. This truth centers me. This truth heals me. This truth has set me free. He has the answers I do not know. While this is a basic understanding I have lived my entire life with, I still need a good reminding of this. And just as much as ever, I need to give myself permission, to be here in this place. To not know. To cry. To be real, as ever. To be okay with it all. And finally, to relinquish and wait.
I am grateful for this God who stays. I am grateful for my friends who love. I am grateful for my son who thrives. I am grateful for my family, who are.
I was thinking of this today as I was returning to work from lunch. God knows. I figuratively sat back and said, "This emotional stuff I am experiencing right now-God knows why this is something I need to wade through right now." For whatever reason, whether it be that he is building something within me, or what... I don't know. But he does. It is just another mental piece in gaining my bearings again. In the midst of the unknowns, there is a purpose.
I've had this little Pinterest stolen picture saved on my desktop at work for awhile. It's a good reminder to have.
Grace & peace, friends.