I have been up to my eyeballs in dragons, dragons, and more dragons looking at stuff for my son's birthday party in a month. I knew the fifth birthday would come. Like my own birthdays as I have gotten later into my twenties, it freaked me out a little to think about.
Five years. FIVE YEARS?! HOLY SMOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five years I have been a mom and five years that boy has been my son. Five years we have went from an unemployed newly college graduated girl with a robust, loud infant, to now. It's not to say that God hasn't provided every step of the way. He has. But the journey is not without struggle.
Most people were supportive when I was pregnant with my boy. Some though, were adamant that adoption would be the best scenario for the baby. But I had prayed about this, and I knew I was meant to be his mom. I knew that despite everything, God was greater. And I knew that I was strong, capable, and that I was a woman of valor nonetheless. I made my choice to keep him and was firm in that. I never cared what other people thought for a second. I never thought of it. I just cared to get through the dark times that were pressing in. I didn't know where we would go. I didn't know what we would do. But I knew it would be okay.
Caleb's father left before he was born. He knew my will for survival. He knew I would figure it out and we would be ok. I did. And we were. It's not easy to walk that path. But you do what you have to do, and you do it with your best. With your love. With your grounded, humble, way of being. You do it. And it's fine. Life is not without struggle. And my life has seen plenty of it. I have survived a lot. A private mantra of mine when I was younger, was that I wanted to thrive. I was tired of the survival game. I wanted to just bloom already.
This was almost five years ago. And now here we are. We are more than good, we are great. And above all else, Caleb knows he is loved. I asked him once if he could tell me who loves him. He started the list with me and a few other names, then sighed with exasperation and said, "This could take awhile."
He is a happy, smart, inquisitive, astoundingly sharp child with an incredible memory for detail and direction. He loves to be silly to an extent that I do not always find funny. He is active, energetic, funny, and adorable. He is socialable and wild. He is sweet and loving. He's a wisecrack and most often, the ringleader of outburst during circle time at school. He's a story teller. And he is vibrant.
He doesn't know that our life looks different than the story would have been had I penned it from the start. He doesn't know my heartache that I have since healed from. He doesn't know the sacrifice. He just knows that he is loved and lives so evidently with confidence in that. His life and personality shines from that. Praise be to God. We have done well, folks. Holding the hand of God, and each other, we have done well.
Thursday as I sat down with my boy and my work again to do some emails, Caleb came and gave me a wondrous, life breathing love bug hug. I picked up that child of mine and put his bum in my lap. I kissed his face and looked in his eyes and at his little grin. Upon receiving more life soaking hugs from him, I asked, "Do you know what the best moment of my day was?" Without hesitation he answered, "This one." And that made this mama heart swell. Five years, my friends. Five years of that growing life and mind. Five years I have known that heart. Five years I have been his mom.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.