Pre-Taiwan Jitters

I admit, I have been a terrible blogger lately. I have so much content in my mind but it doesn't make it to type. 

Still, I can't sleep and part of that is thinking about everything going on. Yesterday evening was my last night with my boy before I depart to Taiwan on Wednesday. I have spent the weekend getting errands done and cleaning. I think a trip like this heightens my awareness of my mortality because I think about my son, and how much he needs me. This is the primary reason why I have been anxious about going to Taiwan-Leaving my son behind. However, I am going because allowing fear to dictate decisions like that is never advisable. I had concerns for my first two trips this year, and they were great. And this trip is very special because I will be going back to the land of my mother's childhood for the first time since I was two years old. I have an entire extended Chinese family there who are vivacious and loving, and whom I would really need to see. I have an elderly grandmother who has lived long, worked hard, and while her memory fails being almost 100 years old, is one of the classiest ladies I have ever known. So I am going. And after a 14.5 hour flight, I will step off that plane to the land that houses my entire wonderful extended family.

This is the last time I saw them. I am the little smirky Italian-Chinese toddler in the bottom row. My aunt (classy lady with long straight hair) has her hand on me. My grandmother is in the center and my mom has the white earrings with curly hair to her right.

The last time I was in Taiwan. Here I am pictured with my big sister.

This is my life now:

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My meaning in life comes from Jesus, but also from being that child's mother. So I have struggled with this because of the inauspicious "what if" factor. What if something happened to me? What if I left my baby on this earth when we are a family of two? He needs his mama. He has family and friends and loved ones, but he needs his mama. Never the less, that's no way to live life and I never make choices out of fear. And I know something could happen to anyone at any time, and there is a greater likelihood of this just driving in the car, especially in LA. However, there is something about going so far from him for that time period that presents a bit of anguish for my first time of international travel while being a mom.  

Still, it will be wonderful seeing those many precious faces that I can call my family. And for that, I am truly excited. So to my Chinese family-See you soon. I can't wait.